Heero's Inbox.
by girlstarfish
Summary: A look at pilot 01's e-mail over the space of about a week. Look out for yaoi hints.


HEERO'S INBOX ****

HEERO'S INBOX.

By girl_starfish louisew@paradise.net.nz

To: randomperson@unknown.org

From: rocket_scientist@mobilesuitsRus.com

Subject: Re : Successful Infiltration.

Heero,

I'm delighted to hear that you were able to reach your targeted location and set up observation posts. I need hardly remind you that this current assignment requires the utmost stealth. You must have no contact with anyone who might recognise you, or that might lead OZ to recognise you. This includes Relena Peacecraft as well as the other Gundam pilots, who have been informed of this fact. However, under no circumstances give them your location.

BTW, is the e-mail address totally necessary?

J.

To : randomperson@unknown.org

From : dead_sexy@Deathscythe4pres.com

Subject : DUDE!!

Hee-chan! 

Glad you made it okay, although was there ever any doubt? You being the perfect soldier and all. This isn't going to be a long mission is it? It's just that you've been gone four hours and I'm bored! There isn't anything to do. Wufei's practicing with katana, or whatever, and Quatre's too polite. Trowa just ignores me, but not the way you do.

None of us have any missions coming up. I decided to make a few adjustments to ol' Deathscythe. You are going to be so jealous when you get back. I can't believe none of the doctors thought of installing a capuccino maker. I'm going to go tell the Q-man, he's going to be so envious!

See ya!  
Duo.

PS. Relena e-mailed me, wanting me to ask you why you haven't replied to any of the 23 e-mails she sent you. Do you want me to tell her you died?

To:randomperson@unknown.org

From : dead_sexy@Deathsycthe4Pres.com

Subject: Present for you : )

Thought you might appreciate this, since you weren't there to see it in person. After installing a tea kettle on Sandrock I made a couple of adjustments to Shenlong. Nothing too serious—still Wufei has no sense of humour. I tell you, without you here this place is a like a cemetery. The other's are so quiet, I've decided to cheer them up. After Wufei's calmed down and I can unlock the bathroom door of course. You know, I'm glad I had the foresight to hide my laptop in here. You must be rubbing off on me. Scary thought, huh?

Anyway, here's the picture. Now, I have to go—I think I heard Shenlong.

Duo.

BTW. Relena phoned, and wants you to phone her back. 

Attachment. 'Crystal_Moon_Tiara.jpg'

To : randomperson@unknown.org

From : rocket_scientist@mobilesuits'R'us.com

Subject : Re : What do you suggest?

Firstly, I feel 'NotHeeroYuyandanyresemblenceistotallycoincidental' is too long for an e-mail address, and frankly misses the point.

Much as I am loathe to suggest it, you might want to ask the other pilots for suggestions.

J.

To: randomperson@unknown.org

From : dead_sexy@Deathsycthe4pres.com

Subject : Re: Mission for you.

First off, calling someone a baka is generally not a good way to get them to do stuff for you, okay?

Apologize, and I'll help.

Duo.

To: randomperson@unknown.org

From : dead_sexy@Deathscythe4pres.com

Subject : Re : Mission for you.

I asked J. 'Omae o korusu' is NOT japanese for 'I'm truly repentant for insulting you, and I respect you greatly and will never ever make light of your intelligence again.' If you don't want my help, fine. See if I ever do anything nice for you ever again—you can forget ever having a coffee maker in Wing. So there.

To : randomperson@unknown.org

From : rocket_scientist@Mobilesuits'R'Us.com

Subject : Apologize dammit!

Heero,

Apologize to G's cursed pupil, okay? He's been spamming me. The other doctors are also starting to complain. Think of it as a mission.

J.

To : randomperson@unknown.org

From : dead_sexy@Deathscythe4pres.com

Subject: Mission accepted!

See, Hee-baby? That wasn't that hard, was it? I bet you feel a lot better now.

Anyway I've been compiling a list of suitable e-mail addresses. All of them fit the criteria for good e-mail addresses: don't reveal too much yet are interesting and will allow people on the same wave length to recognise you. Also, they made Wufei's nose bleed.

Speaking of the Wu-man, he's started spending all his time doing katana's non-stop. He's obviously trying to take his mind off how gloomy it is here with you gone. You won't believe how hard it is to actually track him down. If I didn't know he was missing you so bad, I'd think he was trying to avoid me. Obviously I'll have to redouble my efforts at cheering people up. 

See ya,

Duo

attachment. Good e-mail addresses.doc

To : randomperson@unknown.org

From : dead_sexy@Deatscythe4pres.com

Subject : Calm down! Sheesh!

Geez, Heero, it was only a suggestion. I still don't see what's so bad about being 'Shinigami's_boy_toy.' Don't get your spandex in a twist. Man, you are so not fun sometimes.

Still getting death threats isn't quite the same by e-mail. When are you coming back? Even Wufei's starting to miss you. I know, you probably think I'm making that up but its true. He's started tacking your name on to every sentence. "If Heero were here he would not allow you to treat the sofa as a trampoline." Or "Maxwell, if Heero doesn't get back soon I'm going to kill you myself." Relena came round to visit you today. She stuck around for hours even though we told her we didn't know when you'd be back. Quatre made me be polite. 

So when does your mission finish?

Duo.

To : lady-killer@spandexed.net

From : rocket_scientist@Mobilesuits'R'Us.com

Subject : A puzzling request.

Heero,

I received a request for 50 rolls of silver duct tape from your fellow Gundam pilot 02 this afternoon. The reason was to alleviate the boredom of the remaining pilots.

Can you explain this? And do you think I should agree to his request? I do wish G hadn't gone on Sabbatical. 

J.

PS. Must say the new e-mail address is an improvement. Is the front bit an attempt at humour on Duo's part?

To: lady-killer@spandexed.net

From : dead_sexy@Deathsycthe4president.com

Subject: ????

The e-mail address is FINE. Ignore J, he wouldn't know a clever pun if it self detonated in front of him. BTW, the old coot wouldn't accede to my perfectly reasonable request earlier. It was too bad, the guys really needed something to bring them out of themselves. The tension is really getting to Quatre—poor little guy's been so polite. It's unnatural. And Trowa can't possibly want to spend all his time that quiet. You know, I was talking to him yesterday for over an hour and in all that time the only thing he said was 'Go away, Duo.' That can't be good for you. I wish you were here. You could just pull a patented Yuy death glare on him and tell him to snap him out of it. I tried that but all that happened was that Wufei asked me if I was constipated.

Stupid Wufei. If I wasn't trying so hard to brighten up his life, I'd be pretty pissed.   
Anyway, I should think of something for the guys. Don't worry, Hee-chan, their mental well-being is in good hands!

The master of psychology.

PS. Relena came round again. This time she stayed for hours. She didn't even leave when Wufei and I began discussing the possibility of using her car as Gundam practice target. Are you going to be away much longer?

To: lady-killer@spandexed.net

From : kawaii_blondie@trowa_fanciers_anonymous.org

Subject: When are you coming back?

Heero,

I hope your mission is going well. I hope you don't mind me asking Duo for your address. Although I know you don't like to be contacted while on a mission, things here are at the point where I didn't know what else to do.

We need you here. Frankly, I think Duo has gone insane. 

Well, more insane than usual. Ever since you left, he's been impossible to live with. You know he's always had something of a penchant for practical jokes—this has gotten out of hand lately. Just this morning he hid Wufei's katana blades, switched Trowa's hairspray for aerosol, and told Rashid that Relena had given up on you and was stalking me with designs on father's money. Luckily I've managed to get a hold of the Manguamacs and they've calmed down. The hospital says there was no permanent damage inflicted and she should be campaigning for pacifism again tomorrow, and stalking you in under a week. Duo and Wufei are skipping—yes, Wufei is skipping—around the lounge singing 'Ding Dong, the witch is dead,' as we speak. Even more worrying than the effect Duo is having on Wufei is the other turns his joking is taking. This morning as I was going out to check on Sandrock, he crept up behind me then yelled 'Hey little dude! How's it going!' so loudly, I jumped and dropped the spanner I was carrying. On my foot.

This isn't the first time this has happened either. Duo's becoming a menace Heero. Please come back as soon as possible.

Yours truly,

Quatre Winner.

To :lady_killer@spandexed.net

From : dead_sexy@Deathscythe4pres.com

Subject :Great news!!!!

Guess what!

Relena's in hospital. Isn't that great? Means we get a few days without having to worry about her turning up and annoying the hell out of everyone. Can't wait. Hopefully this will give everyone the chance we need to relax—Q-man in particular. He's been extremely jumpy of late. Of course, Relena still wants to find you so she can make you sign her cast. Do you want me to add your name to the card I'm sending her? I picked some Deadly Nightshade to go with it. 

BTW, I looked up 'constipated' and am seriously annoyed with Wufei.

Catch you later!

Duo.

To : unspecified recipients;

From : Gepeto@industrial_strength_hairspray.com

Subject : Wish you were here!

Hi everyone!

So far my holiday is going well. Although I can't divulge my exact location for security reasons, rest assured there are both palm trees and deck chairs, and plenty of them. In fact, only yesterday I went to a place which shall remain nameless to observe an unspecified commodity which was absolutely fascinating. Unfortunately I could find no postcards without pictures that might accidentally divulge my location, so I'm afraid you'll have to wait till I get back and I can show you my pictures Duo. BTW, in answer to your questions, I believe live turtles can be ordered from Grahams's pets, and that egg plants require humid conditions in which to mature. I hope that helps. I'll be very interested to know how it all works out.

I'm finding my sabbatical very restful and am touched by all the e-mails I received regarding my return. You'll forgive me then for adding another week to this vacation. It's just so peaceful here. Best wishes to you all.

G.

Quatre—in response to your query, while unable to vouch for the mental conditions of either of Duo's parents, I have never noticed any moments of psychological instability. Except of course for the time when he was inadvertantly exposed to a 36hr Pokemon Marathon. 

To : lady-killer@spandexed.net

From :dead_sexy@Deathsycthe4pres.com

Subject : Re : Great News!

You won't believe our luck—Relena got herself discharged out of hospital and decided to move in here with us—she's decided to stay until you come back. As if that wasn't bad enough she moved into Wufei's room saying that because she's a girl it wouldn't be right for her to share with any of us, and since she's a guest we couldn't make her sleep on the couch. I said 'like hell we couldn't and to be a guest someone has to invite you,' but Quatre elbowed me in the ribs and said we have to be nice to her because she's sick. I said that I always knew she was sick and—I swear I'm not making this up—Trowa laughed. It sounded like a cough, but I know a laugh when I hear one. I can't ask Wufei to verify it because he's off on a mission. Bet he'll be thrilled to find Relena in his room when he gets back.

Poor little Quatre is bearing the brunt of all this. He's become incredibly jumpy lately. Practically has a heart attack if you make any loud noises near him. Don't worry, I've thought of something very special to cheer him up. 

In the meantime, there has to be something I can do to make Relena stop pestering me.

See ya (soon I hope—when are you coming back?)

Shinigami.

To : lady-killer@spandexed.net

From :Future_Mrs_Yuy@I*luv*Heero.org

Subject : At last I've found you!

Dear Heero,

I'm so happy to finally have your e-mail address! You know, when you went away on this latest mission you totally forgot to give it to me? It must have slipped your mind. Luckily Duo was kind enough to give it to me. 

When are you coming back?

The other Gundam pilots politely invited me to stay with them while you're away. I expect you heard I was in hospital? I noticed you didn't have time to send me a card or flowers, so I took the liberty of doing so on your behalf. 

I've also organised a romantic dinner for us once you get back. It'll be wonderful. You can finally relax and put the nasty soldier type thing behind you. 

Won't that be nice? Or better yet, I can come and visit you. Where are you?

Love and kisses xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Relena.

To : lady-killer@spandexed.net

From : dead_sexy@Deathscythe4pres.com

Subject : Re : Omae o korusu

Well come on! I had to do something—she followed me into a mission for crying out loud!! For one thing, that big pink monstrosity of hers totally blew my cover and two, its very off putting when you're trying to destroy a base, under enemy fire, and all of that and she's insisting that you settle this peacefully. I did what I had to.

We all have to make sacrifices for the mission, right? Besides, I don't exactly have everything peachy over here. Quatre just informed me that as Relena has taken Wufei's room, he'll have to take your bed and room with me. 

In preparation, I've gone and found all of my hard rock CDs. I'm sure as hell going to need something to cheer me up, if I'm living in the same room as Chang.

Duo.

To: lady-killer@spandexed.net

From : Future_Mrs_Yuy@I*luv*Heero.org

Subject : Re: At last I've found you.

Oh, Heero, don't be such a tease. I know you're not going to kill me. 

I've booked the non-smoking section, does that suit? Would you like me to order you a tux? Duo has offered to help me work out your suit size. He has been very helpful, although I must say I'm concerned about the rest of the pilots. Has Quatre always twitched so much? Trowa is fine although he seems to have developed a rather nasty cough. Wufei has not arrived back from his mission yet, but I'm sure he'll be delighted to learn that I'll be visiting them for a while.

When are you coming back?

Undying love and kisses XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Relena.

To : lady-killer@spandexed.net

From : kawaii_blondie@trowa_faniers_anonymous.org

Subject : Things are getting worse.

Heero,

You have got to come back. Things are just getting worse here—Wufei just got back and was informed by Relena that she's staying in his room. Trowa and Duo are doing what they can to get him out of the onna-induced seizure he's in. Relena isn't helping, she keeps remarking on how she had to rearrange the furniture to make the room comfortable, and telling Wufei not to worry, the new additions she's made make it so much more liveable. I don't know how Wufei is going to react to the flowery curtains. 

Heero, can't you cut the mission short? We need you here—this is an emergency. Not to mention that Duo hasn't stopped acting up one bit. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget waking up to find my room full of ducks. Not to mention the mess afterwards . . . and he's even got to Trowa. You've got to come back.

Yours truly,

Quatre.

To : lady-killer@spandexed.net

From : dragon-boy@misogynists_unite.net

Subject:Injustice!

Yuy,

I demand you return and remove the pink-obssessed she-devil from my room at once! She is polluting the manly essence of my room with her stuffed animals and girly things. This is an outrage that cannot be permitted. 

Furthermore, as you are the only one of us with anything like a restraining influence over Maxwell can you tell him if he calls me 'Woofie' one more time I will gut him, and I mean that. Quatre seems to have developed a tic, but that's to be expected with that beastly onna permeating the entire house with her evil girl-cooties. Nataku would be appalled.

When do you return?

Chang.

To : lady-killer@spandexed.net

From :dead_sexy@Deathsycthe4pres.com

Subject : Re : Traitor!

Oh, come on, its not as if I betrayed you to OZ or anything. Just tell her you died or change your e-mail address or something.

G2g—Quatre's just told Wufei that we're rooming together.

Duo.

To: lady-killer@spandexed.net

From : dragon-boy@misogynists_unite.com

Subject : The unspeakable outrage.

Yuy,

This is ridiculous! I can't possibly be expected to room with that braided idiot! He's noisy! He hogs the bathroom! And he keeps borrowing my conditioner! It's like rooming with the onna.

Yuy, return immediately. Mission or no mission, some things just can't be taken.

To : lady-killer@spandexed.net

From : dead_sexy@Deathscythe4Pres.com

Subject : Told you so.

See? Relena's barricaded herself in Wufei's room, problem solved. Well, yours at least. You know me, I'm a pretty tolerant guy. But if Wufei makes one more disparaging remark, I'm going to get Deathsycthe and stomp on his head.

BTW, has Quatre always had a high caffeine intake?

Duo.

To : lady-killer@spandexed.net

From : dragon-boy@misogynists_unite.org

Subject : I've had enough.

Yuy,

If you do not return soon I will not be responsible for what happens to Maxwell.

Chang.

To : lady-killer@spandexed.net

From : kawaii_blondie@trowa_fanciers_anonymous.org

Subject : Come back! Please!

Heero,

You have to come back. I don't know how much more of this I can take. Duo and Wufei had a massive argument last night. There were thumps and screams coming from their room all night. We haven't seen either one all day. I'm worried that either one or both are dead. Relena keeps on asking me if I'd like to sit down, and whether I don't think I've had too much coffee. 

I'm FINE! Or at least I will be once I get some more coffee. We've run out. 

I'm going to update Sandrock's arsenal this afternoon to include a nuclear war-head.

Yours truly,

Quatre.

To : lady-killer@spandexed.net

From : EvilClown@always_the_quiet_ones.net

Subject : {none}

When are you coming back?

Trowa.

To : lady-killer@spandexed.net

From : dead_sexy@Deathscythe4Pres.com

Subject : Re : Told you so.

Well! I have got to say my opinion of Wufei has really gone up—if you know what I mean ^_^;; We're getting along quite well now.

Quatre appears to have had a nervous breakdown, after Rashid took his coffee away from him. The Maguanacs say not to worry, and that after he's worked off his excess aggression he should be fine. With that in mind we've pointed him and Sandrock towards the nearest OZ base and let them play.

I wonder what Wufei's opinion of chocolate sauce is? G2g.

Duo.

To : lady-killer@spandexed.net

From : dragon-boy@misogynists_unite.org

Subject : I stand corrected.

I take back what I said about Maxwell. He does have his good qualities.

When do you come back?

Chang.

To : lady-killer@spandexed.net

From : Future_Mrs_Yuy@I*luv*Heero.org

Subject : Naughty Heero!

Dear Heero,

You can't be dead if you were able to e-mail me to say so! Silly, Heero, you are such a tease. 

Shall I take it the date is on?

Love forever,

Relena

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

To : Shinigami's_boy-toy@stalked.com

From : rocket_scientist@Mobilesuits'R'Us.com

Subject : Re : Change of e-mail and mission outlines.

Heero,

I note the change of e-mail with interest. What did 02 have to threaten to break?

And as there are no upcoming developments on the OZ front, I suppose your mission can be extended a further week.

J.


End file.
